Friday, February 27, 2009


Yesterday, as I was sitting peacefully at my desk, strumming a few chords on my old Fender acoustic, I looked out the window and noticed a Landcruiser wending its way down my drive through the angophoras. Ascertaining that it was not the local constabulary come to pick me up on another trumped-up charge of "threat to public disorder" or some such, I sauntered down the front path and waited for it to arrive.

Now, I only mention the police because, a couple of years ago, I got a phone call at work from a bloke at the Greens' head office in Sydney, alerting me to the news that the then Prime-Minister, the execrable John Howard, would shortly be landing at the Richmond air-base for a Liberal Party luncheon at the nearby horse-racing club, and did I have any willing volunteers out there who could mount a picket at said establishment. Not being able to rustle anyone up on the spot, I decided a one-man protest was better than no protest at all, and jumped in the ute and headed down there.

Fortunately, I had a few Greens placards in the back seat, so I distributed a few of them around the fence - little messages like "Public education - not private largesse", and "Howard, you're a cunt", etc. (OK, the last one was not an official Greens slogan, I admit.)

Sure enough, before too long a cavalcade of limos came roaring up the drive to the race club. I could tell straight away that it had no intention of stopping so that the Prime Minister could get out and have a chat with one of his disgruntled constituents, so I hastily grabbed a placard and jumped in front of the first limo, forcing it to stop or run over me.

The driver jammed on his brakes, and the whole shebang came to a dead stop. The passenger window rolled down quickly, and a big, boofy bloke leaned out and said, in what he thought was the voice of authority, "YOU. GET THE FUCK OFF THIS ROAD NOW!" I very slowly moved to one side, and the driver gunned the car straight through the gates. The next car came by me rather more slowly, and there was the little rodent perched on the back seat. I began to tell him exactly what I thought of him, his cabinet, and the entire Liberal Party of Australia, in my loudest possible voice, and do you know what the slimy little prick did? He smiled and waved at me, as if I was just another admiring supporter. His car shot through the gates, and an attendant swung them shut and locked them, then called over to me "OK, you've had your fun, now fuck off."

Well, it had been a bit of fun, so I packed up and went home. I was sitting on the deck with a beer, feeding one of the kookas, when a for-real cop Landcruiser came tearing down the drive.

A sergeant got out, and said to me at the front gate "Are you Laurie F_____?" I confirmed that I was. "We've had a report that you were obstructing the Prime Minister a short time ago. Is that correct?"

"No, Sarge," I said. "I was exercising my democratic right to protest at that little cunt's malfeasance and complete incompetence in running the country. Besides, I wasn't aware that we'd become a police state overnight. You boys gonna put me in the back of that thing?" I asked, pointing to the lock-up on the back of their Cruiser.

"Fuck no, mate," the sergeant replied. "I just got a call to come out here and check out whether you were a nut-case." He leant over the gate, and offered his hand. "If you want my opinion, that piece of shit can get fucked, and the more people who tell him the better. See you later."

With that, they drove off, giving me a wave as they went. Bloody hell, I thought - even the coppers hate him.

Well, I suppose you're wondering by now who was in the car yesterday. Well, when I got to the front, two blokes in black suits with little name tags got out and smiled at me. Now, if I'd had a bit of fun with the coppers, this scenario had "pure entertainment" writ large all over it. It was the fucking Mormons!


Lil Meerkat said...

Boss, Laurie! You're so brave. Sounds like Howard was taking a page out of his crony Bush's book: "It's just great that you have the freedom to protest, isn't it? Not that it makes a damn bit of difference to us! *villain-who-wants-to-rule-the-world cackle* Anyway, glad he's gone, glad they're both gone. Hey! I look lonely in my little box. I think you need to get me some cage-mates. Take care!

Laurie said...

Hi there Lil Meerkat! Yes you are lonely. All these other lazy bastards need to get on here anf follow! Follow! Follow your master!

Jonathan said...

I hope we're going to find out what happened with the Mormons!

Laurie said...

You will, Jonathon - just as soon as I've found a good place to bury the bodies!

phil said...

I didn't know Mormons could drive. Jeez, the things you learn.

You must rest easy knowing that the coppers in your neck of the woods have their heads screwed on right.

Anonymous said...

Too bad the Mormons have cars in Oz; up here you just nudge the back tire of their bike with your bumper as you go by.

Also, I have it on good authority that the Mormon missions in Australia have the highest rate of missionaries giving up their own faith. It seems the famous Ozzie friendliness and good natured love of the human experience tends to de-convert them. :)

Keep up the good work.

-- Gregg Townsend